If I am a crippled writer, then similes and metaphors are my crutches. They reveal pop culture touchstones, latent psychological issues and an escape from a humdrum paragraph. This being the case, on Mondays The Brockett Blog will feature various scenarios scratched down in the quiet moments on any piece of scrap paper available. Today's example: Baseball players with "old player skills" are like pretty, curvy young actresses. In other words, David Ortiz is much like Mean Girls-era Lindsay Lohan.
Ortiz, the Red Sox slugging DH who helped lead the team to World Series wins in 2004 and 2007, has seen his game fall off by a staggering amount. After five straight years in the top five for American League Most Valuable Player voting from 2003-2007, he struggled and was injured for much of 2008. This year, his batting average has plummeted to .185, he is striking out much more than he is scaring pitchers into walking him and he has hit just one home run in 178 at-bats.
The reason? No one knows for sure. In between solemn pats on the back, columnists have thrown out a litany of reasons ranging from lingering health issues to a lack of certain chemicals coursing through his body. One phrase that pops up in more sober circles is that of "old player's skills." It appeared in reference to former Twin Tom Brunansky in the New Bill James Historical Abstract, and has filtered into the general discussion ever since. It basically posits that a peaking ballplayer with power and walks but no speed will age less gracefully than his more athletic counterpart. Ortiz' "comparables" page on Baseball Reference is littered with takers and rakers who burned bright and faded away quickly. Richie Sexson, Mo Vaughn and Ryan Klesko all are of recent vintage, but Hal Trosky did basically the same thing in the 1930s (but with the caveat that his downfall was aided by World War II and intense headaches).
The aging process spares no man, especially one north of 200 pounds and who requires amazing eye-hand coordination in conjunction with a powerful back and set of legs. The mass only accelerates the cascade, forcing the lumbering slugger quickly from the game. In this way, we can compare Ortiz to another group of people fighting the good fight against time and human anatomy: the buxom young starlet.
It will not be breaking news to mention that many men like their women (or at least the women on their desktop background) young and with curves in all the right places. Various entertainment across the G-PG-PG13-R-NC17-X spectrum take advantage of these preferences and seek out women who fit the bill. During the David Ortiz era, no one exemplified this better than Lindsay Lohan. After her acting in kid-centric fare like Freaky Friday and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen caught the eye of pubescent boys and ashamed dads, Lohan busted out in Mean Girls. Having passed the magical age of 18 barrier, men were free to ogle and even most message board commenters couldn't find much wrong with the talented and beautiful actress. She even used her burgeoning sexuality for comedic effect on Saturday Night Live, memorably playing a "grown up" Hermione in one sketch.
The allure of the curves is fed in part by its relative rarity, especially when you consider how hard it must be to get fat cells into very specific parts of the body. Metabolism and lifestyle change, and an Actress-Reference.com could tell you that at least appearance-wise, it would be hard for Lohan to capture this look for long. Men still speak in hushed tones when talking about a young Jennifer Connelly circa-The Rocketeer, as she sleeked-down her frame but still managed to develop as an actress. Current actresses must balance self-image with an everpresent, paid-by-the-photo paparazzi, as Scarlett Johansson and countless others have learned.
Some try to stay ahead of the game, with their own version of performance enhancers. But there is something about believing in the natural, no matter how fleeting the moment may be.
The lumbering slugger and the curvy young actress can live full, varied lives and their talents can extend well into their golden years. A ballplayer can manage, or use his earnings in charitable ways. An actress can harness a talent that is limited only by the roles available to her. But both are forever defined by the poster on the bedroom wall, an image captured in time.
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